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I am not myself

Please forgive me for being such a Debbie Downer lately – I am just not myself. The reason for my suffering is not the fact that for nearly two weeks we have had at least one sick child in the house (yes, I’m including Hubby #1 as a child) or the fact that the temperature has finally spiked and it feels as miserable as August is supposed to feel, or even that the freshman season of Bethenny Getting Married is over. No, the reason for my heartache is that in less than four weeks, Baby #1 will start Kindergarten.

Okay, I know what you’re thinking…four weeks is a long time away. Touché. But what can I say? The heart feels what it feels, and right now my heart feels miserable that my baby is starting school! It’s not just the nagging thought that in four weeks my child starts kindergarten. It’s the thought that immediately follows – in thirteen years and four weeks my child will leave for college. In between now and then, she’ll just keep growing and growing and growing…and I don’t like it one little bit!

Adding to my emotional anguish is the fact that starting kindergarten also means leaving the nursery school that she has been going to since we started mommy-and-me four years ago. Leaving the hallowed sandbox and the ever present play-dough scent behind means that the last bit of her baby self will also be left behind. Sniff, sniff.

Really, I never thought I’d be this mom. I’ve never cried on her birthdays. I wasn’t upset when she started nursery school. In the past, I’ve embraced each new step with excitement and enthusiasm. Seriously, I didn’t even cry at the graduation from the beloved nursery school!

Naturally, I did what any girl in my shoes would do would do. (No, not order home school supplies! That would be ridiculous…right?) I sought some relief with a little retail therapy. I mean, who do you think all these back-to-school sales are meant to cheer up? It’s us mothers, but as much as I hate to admit it, it hasn’t helped that much. One $54 pink and purple rolling satin backpack, an $18 matching lunch box, a $10 coordinating snack bag, a $19 Hello Kitty Sigg cup, and $40 worth of hot pink name labels later and I’m still broken hearted.

My next attempt to keep devastation at bay is to prolong the nursery school experience as long as possible. So, although this Friday marks the end of the school year, I have signed her up for the three additional offered “bonus camp days,” to keep the good times rolling a little while longer. What can I say, I’m not one to just rip a band-aid off. I am one to leave it hanging on until it finally falls off on its own and leaves a trail of sticky black yuck on my skin. I know that “bonus camp days” are only postponing the inevitable, but what else can I do?

I’m sure it will be fine. I know we have plenty of good times ahead of us. I know that in the next four weeks she is certain to throw a tantrum that will have me wishing for her maturity instead of dreading it. But for now, I move forward with a heavy heart. Perhaps some shopping for new school clothes will do the trick? Perhaps if the clothes are for me…

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