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I am not the Mother of the Year

It is with a heavy heart that I must take myself out of the running for the prestigious honor of Mother of the Year 2010. I came to this decision yesterday when I looked up from folding laundry to see Baby #2, happily munching away on a cracker. But wait…I had not given him a cracker. I wracked my brain to figure out what he could be snacking on and then I remembered that I had, at his request, given him a treat to give to Family Dog. Sure enough, there by Baby #2’s side was Family Dog looking like she had been – well, robbed of of a Milkbone – which she had. I shrieked in disgust and Baby #2 smiled at me looking extremely pleased with himself. I demanded that he spit out the dog treat. He did. There I stood with a handful of partially chewed dog treat mixed with baby saliva. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I decided to return the treat to its rightful recipient. I held my hand in front of Family Dog’s face and she, somewhat dejectedly, took the a.b.c (already been chewed) treat. I was horrified – and a bit nauseas, but you can’t live in the past so I put the incident out of my head and returned to the laundry. A moment later, I looked back up and THE DOG TREAT WAS BACK IN BABY #2′S MOUTH!

Apparently Family Dog had some standards about what she would eat, but my son did not. I marched over and, again, demanded he spit out the treat. Still looking pleased with himself, he swallowed, opened his mouth wide for me to see and said, “All gone.” Now I really felt like I was going to be sick. My child had not only eaten dog treat, but he had eaten dog treat mixed with dog spit. I saw the Mother of the Year title slipping away because the truth is that this wasn’t the first time something like this had happened. I admit, with my head hung in shame, that this was not Baby #2’s first taste of canine cuisine.

Pretty much from the moment he became mobile, I had to watch him like a hawk because of his insatiable appetite for Family Dog’s Science Diet kibble. He would steal it out of the storage bin – bypassing the most up-to-date baby proofing technology, and even sneak in while Family Dog was eating to share her meal. He became like an addict – lying, cheating and stealing to get his dog food fix. I would ask if he’d eaten dog food, knowing that he had by his disgusting dog breath, and he would deny it. I called the doctor, worried that his kibble cravings were the sign of some deficiency in his diet, like pregnant women who crave clay and dirt. The doctor’s answer was that kids like dog food.

Well, maybe other kids chow down on Alpo, but not my child! I went to extreme measures and implemented the tightest security, and I thought we’d kicked the kibble addiction…I guess I was wrong. Off the wagon Baby #2 has tumbled. I vow to get him back on the straight and narrow. I will remember that if I give an inch, he will take a mile – and by that I mean that if I give him a treat intended for Family Dog that he will eat it himself. I will remember that this is his weakness and he cannot be trusted around it. What he really needs is a 12-step program, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, and at two years old, he doesn’t seem to have a problem eating food intended for someone who sniffs her friends’ butts. I will remember that addiction is an illness and that he needs rehabilitation.

With no other choice, I will press on and strive to be back in the running for Mother of the Year 2011. Wish me luck.

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