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I am thinking about divorce

Here is a really sad start to my post. It has been SO long since I’ve posted something, that I actually forgot how to log into my blog! I had to go back through all my old emails and find the link that I emailed myself forever ago in case I ever forgot how to log into my blog. (Thankfully I know myself well enough to have set up for this scenario.) Total tragedy…but what matters is that I’m here now and it’s been TOO long. Babies #1 and #2 are at school, Baby #3 is napping, the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills season is over and the Bethenny Ever After season doesn’t start until next week. I’m yours (at least for the next few minutes).

Lately, I’ve been thinking about divorce – and more specifically, the division of assets.

DON’T WORRY — Hubby #1 isn’t getting off the hook.

Hubby #1’s College Friend is getting divorced after roughly three years of marriage. When I met his Soon-to-be Ex-wife for the first time, let’s just say it wasn’t the same love at first sight for me that it had been for him. She described herself as a “semi-retired model and actress.” She had that glow that only a person newly in love has as she seriously explained to me that planning her wedding was going to take so much time that wouldn’t have any left to work. Seriously? Then she added that she and College Friend planned to have five babies – as quickly as possible. Seriously?? It could be that we were just at totally different places in our lives – I was cynical and sleep deprived, Baby #2 had just been born and I was dealing with engorgement and diaper blow-outs, and her days were filled with cake tastings and dress fittings. I was pretty sure it was more than that though, so I quickly wrote her off as a total idiot and someone I would never be friends with.

Then something surprising happened – she started to grow on me! Every time we saw College Friend and Soon-to-be Ex-wife I would dread the interactions with the mayor of lala land, and would then end up pleasantly surprised (and a little befuddled) that she was kind of a cool girl. Believe me, I was as schocked as you are, but it’s true. I actually started to really like her. She was totally endearing and fun to be around. So much, in fact, that I decided I would call her up and make brunch plans. Yes, I decided that Soon-to-be Ex-wife and I were going to be friends.

Now, for better or for worse, I tend to plan to do a lot of things, but in reality very little actually gets done. This is evidenced by the fact that I haven’t had a blog post since last year even though I’ve had some really swell ideas that were almost completely written…in my head.

When I learned of their split – at a friend’s party, in a rather miserable, “Hey, where’s Soon-to-be Ex-wife?” “We’re getting divorced,” kind of way – I was stumped. What would happen to my soon-to-be friendship with Soon-to-be Ex-wife? Even though we’d only Facebook chatted a couple times, would that mentally planned brunch ever happen? I mean, we were practically extremely close!! In their split, could College Friend keep Hubby #1 and she could keep me? I had invested a lot in this friendship…in my head.

I asked Hubby #1 about how the division of assets would go. “Assets” meaning ME.

“No!” he said, “You can’t go out to brunch with her.”
“Why not?” I whined. Now that she was off limits, I wanted to be friends with her more desperately than ever before.
“Kirstie…” he said in the patient way he does when he’s waiting for me to figure out what other grown-ups know right off the bat.
“Fine,” I sulked.

I wasn’t about to push the matter since one of our biggest fights in history was when I spread the word in a wildfire like way about one of his friend’s girlfriends sleeping with another of his friends. I learned that messing with Hubby #1’s friends wasn’t worth the effort. So, sadly, I accept that Soon-to-be Ex-wife was not my Future BFF. And, really, it’s too bad because without a husband and five kids to tie her down, we could have had a lot of fun.

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